Why Jealousy Might Be Good for You: A Polyamorous Perspective
TikTok video from 2022-03-02
Okay, I’m going to give you a very unpopular opinion: I believe jealousy is good for you.
Stay with me for a minute.
One of the other polyamorous content creators on TikTok recently posed a question that really stuck with me: “What is it that makes you want to protect your jealousy? Why are you holding onto it rather than working through it?”
And it’s true—so many people say they couldn’t be polyamorous, or swing, or explore anything outside of monogamy because they’re too jealous. And my heart goes out to them, not because their feelings aren’t valid, but because there’s a whole world of connection and self-growth they may be missing out on simply by avoiding that feeling.
Now, I’ll be honest—I’m not a very jealous person by nature, so polyamory came a bit easier to me than it does for some. But that doesn’t mean I don’t experience jealousy. I do. The difference is, I’ve learned to see it as a teacher, not an enemy.
Jealousy is just a signal. It’s information. It tells me where I have unmet needs, insecurities, or desires I haven’t fully acknowledged. And when I get curious about it instead of pushing it away, I usually find something really important underneath.
Let me give you a personal example.
Story time: I introduced Luke to Ms. Beya, and the three of us had an incredible time together—so much fun, so much connection. Afterwards, both of them came to me separately and asked if it would be okay if they started dating each other one-on-one. I said yes, 100%—no hesitation.
But then, before our next planned date as a trio, I started feeling that familiar little ache of jealousy. It was subtle, but persistent. It ate at me just enough to notice—and instead of ignoring it, I sat with it.
And what I realized was this: I wasn’t jealous of them. I was jealous of the type of connection they had. Their energy together was raw, primal, electric. The kind of heat you can feel across the room. And I didn’t have that primal connection with anyone in my life—not even Luke, who I adore.
What I was really feeling was longing. Longing for a partner who lit up that part of me. That fire. That chemistry.
And boom—clarity.
Instead of spiraling or pulling away, I got excited. Because now I knew what I wanted. And it wasn’t about taking anything away from Luke or Ms. Beya. It was about creating something new for myself.
So I decided to start dating again, this time with that intention in mind—to explore the possibility of finding someone I share that primal connection with.
And that’s why I say jealousy is good for you.
Because when you sit with it and dig deep, it shows you where the gold is. It helps you uncover your true desires and get more honest about what you want. And once you do that? The whole world cracks open.
Now, I have amazing lovers, a thriving marriage, and a sense of freedom I never imagined possible. And yes, it all started with a little bit of jealousy.
So maybe—just maybe—it’s worth listening to.
