Where Do I Look for Partners? (And Why I Avoid Dating Outside the ENM World)
TikTok video from 2022-04-04
This question comes up all the time—and it’s such a good one. If you’re polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous, it can feel daunting to figure out where to actually meet compatible people. Not just people who swipe right, but people who already speak the language of open relationships, autonomy, boundaries, and respect.
So here’s the truth: I don’t date just anywhere. And I definitely don’t date just anyone.
These days, I meet most of my partners through FetLife or FEELD.
FetLife isn’t technically a dating app—it’s more like a social network for people in the kink, BDSM, and alt-sex communities. Think Facebook, but for those of us who are openly exploring pleasure, power dynamics, and alternative relationship structures. It’s not always about finding a date, but it is where I find people who “get it.” People who already understand ethical non-monogamy, who are emotionally literate, and who know what consent culture actually looks like in real life.
FEELD is a dating app, and it caters specifically to folks looking for non-traditional relationships. Whether you're poly, ENM, curious, or kink-aligned, it's a place where being different is normal. That’s what makes it valuable. It’s not perfect, but it’s miles ahead of most mainstream apps when it comes to filtering out people who still think “poly” means “down for a threesome.”
Let me be honest: I don’t like to date people who aren’t already polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous—and that’s very intentional.
Dating someone who hasn’t already done some work around open relationships often means I end up being the on-ramp. And while I absolutely believe in education, that’s not a role I want to play inside my personal connections. I don’t want to be explaining boundaries, co-creating expectations from scratch, or walking someone through their first jealousy spiral while also trying to date them.
That’s exhausting.
And yes—I’ve been there.
In the early days of opening our marriage, my husband and I both tried dating people who were open-minded but new to non-monogamy. The relationships were short-lived, and honestly? They came with more emotional labor than they were worth. The assumptions. The misunderstandings. The feelings that flared up because we didn’t have shared language or context.
So now, I don’t go that route. I need a partner to already be walking this path—even if they’re at a different pace. I’m not here to drag anyone forward.
When you’re polyamorous, it’s not just about attraction. It’s about worldview. Do they understand autonomy? Can they sit with their own feelings and communicate clearly? Do they know what it means to have compersion, boundaries, and interdependence instead of codependence?
Because those are the foundations I’m building on.
So no—I don’t date people I meet randomly at the grocery store or flirt with someone at a party unless I already know they’re ENM-aligned. The emotional cost is too high otherwise. I want ease. I want mutual understanding. And I want to build something rooted in shared values, not constant education.
If you're just getting started and wondering where to begin, my advice is this: go where the poly people already are. Look for communities that normalize the kind of love you want. You don’t need to convince someone to join your world—you just need to find the ones already living in it.
