When Boundaries Are Crossed in Polyamory
TikTok video from 2022-02-25
Q: Gave Hubby a hall pass. The qualifier being I did not want to see or hear anything about it. Not jealous. just mad he put it in my face.
First of all, I want to say how truly sorry I am that this happened to you. When our boundaries are crossed—especially by someone we trust—it cuts deep. It can be hard to recover from that kind of hurt, and even harder to rebuild the sense of emotional safety that was lost.
What stood out to me in your story was that you had a boundary. You were clear: you didn’t want to know about what was happening between your husband and his other partners. And he broke that boundary.
That matters. That deserves to be acknowledged.
In our relationship, my husband and I try to operate from a place of boundaries rather than rules. The difference, for us, is essential:
Boundaries are what we set for ourselves. They are there to protect our health, our hearts, and our sense of emotional safety.
Rules, on the other hand, are things we try to impose on someone else. And that rarely works. Rules can lead to control and resentment—two things that don’t serve love.
In ethical non-monogamy, rules often fall apart under the weight of human complexity. But boundaries? Boundaries are a language of care. They are how we say, “This is what I need to feel safe with you.”
So when those boundaries are crossed—whether intentionally or not—it’s a violation of trust, and it takes real work to come back from that. I’d love to know what happened after.
Was there healing? Reconnection? Or did it lead to a new understanding of what you need going forward?
For anyone navigating a similar situation: it’s okay to reestablish your boundaries. It’s okay to ask for repair. And it’s okay to acknowledge when something hurt, even if it wasn’t "against the rules."
Thanks for being brave enough to share. These conversations matter.
