What Does It Mean to Be “Experienced” in Polyamory?
TikTok video from 2022-03-29
Someone recently asked me what defines a person as being experienced in polyamorous relationships—and I thought, what a great question. It’s something I don’t think we talk about enough.
The simplest answer? You gain experience in polyamory by doing it.
That’s it. You don’t need to have a timeline that stretches back years, or a spreadsheet of past and present partners, or a perfect record of conflict-free connections. Experience in polyamory comes from the act of participating, of learning through living. It comes from the process of showing up, being vulnerable, navigating boundaries, and doing your best to love ethically and intentionally.
There’s a temptation, sometimes, to assume that the people who’ve been in the lifestyle the longest are the most knowledgeable. But I’ve encountered folks who’ve been practicing polyamory for years—and the way they operate can still cause a lot of harm. Emotional messes. Broken trust. Partners left confused or hurt. So longevity alone doesn’t automatically translate to wisdom or skill.
For me, experience is measured not in years or number of partners, but in awareness, care, and growth. Have you learned to communicate with clarity? Do you listen—really listen—to your partners' needs? Are you open to feedback, willing to acknowledge missteps, and ready to adjust your behavior for the health of your relationships?
That’s where the real learning happens. That’s what defines meaningful experience.
My own polyamory journey hasn’t been that long in the grand scheme of things. But in that time, I’ve explored different kinds of relationships—romantic, sexual, emotional, platonic—with honesty and curiosity.
I’ve built strong bonds, navigated jealousy, communicated through tough moments, and held space for myself and others. I've seen where things can go wrong, and I’ve worked hard to create a practice that feels sustainable, compassionate, and respectful.
I’ve also learned what not to do, by witnessing (and occasionally experiencing) polyamory that lacks clarity or kindness. Just because someone has multiple partners or has been poly for years doesn’t mean they’re approaching it in a healthy way. And that distinction matters.
So yes, I do consider myself experienced. Not because I’ve done everything, or because I’ve been polyamorous forever—but because I keep learning. I show up with presence and integrity. I reflect, I evolve, and I stay in conversation with myself and the people I care about. I am accountable.
And if you’re doing the same? If you’re engaging from a place of care, asking questions, listening deeply, and growing through it all? Then you are experienced, too.
Polyamory isn’t a destination with an expert badge. It’s a living, breathing practice. Experience is built moment by moment, relationship by relationship, conversation by conversation. And it never stops.
