What Do I Get from Staying Married If He’s Monogamous with Someone Else?
TikTok video from 2022-03-08
Someone recently asked me: “Okay, maybe I’m dumb, but if he chose to be monogamous with someone else, what would you get out of staying married to him?”
First, let me say this—you’re not dumb. You’re curious. And I deeply appreciate your willingness to ask the question. It’s a good one. It deserves reflection.
So here’s my response: I’d like to answer your question with a question of my own, just for clarity.
Are you saying that the only reason to be married is to have sex exclusively with one person?
If that’s your perspective, I totally understand why my situation would feel confusing. But in our case, sex has never been the sole or primary reason for staying married.
Let me break it down:
We don’t have children, so we’re not “staying together for the kids.”
We don’t own a house together, so we’re not staying for financial reasons.
What we do have is love, deep friendship, emotional intimacy, shared history, and a commitment to each other that goes far beyond monogamy.
We choose to stay together because we genuinely want to spend the rest of our lives in the bond we committed to nearly 40 years ago.
Would it be unusual if my husband chose to be monogamous with someone else? Sure. But that choice wouldn’t erase everything we’ve built. And it wouldn’t change the fact that he’s still my person—the one who comes home to me, the one I share my stories, my fears, my joy, and my everyday life with.
It’s not about who he sleeps with. It’s about who he lives beside, grows with, dreams with. It’s about the foundation we’ve built over decades, the kind of bond that can’t be reduced to sexual exclusivity.
Love, for us, isn’t defined by who touches whom. It’s defined by connection, trust, mutual support, and the daily choice to keep showing up for each other, in all the ways that matter.
And it’s not just about emotional security—it’s about identity. This relationship has shaped the person I’ve become. We’ve seen each other through milestones, heartbreaks, career changes, personal growth, and reinvention. We’ve built a life that reflects shared values, rituals, and a rhythm that’s uniquely ours. That doesn’t just disappear because one of us finds fulfillment elsewhere sexually or romantically.
To stay married to someone, even when your relational needs and styles evolve, is to say: I still see you. I still choose you. I still honor what we are, even if it’s no longer what other people expect.
And that’s what I get from staying married to him—a life partner, a love that’s deep enough to transcend traditional expectations; family.
That’s what makes our marriage not just sustainable—but sacred, in our own way.
UPDATE: As it turns out, I am living a much more nomadic life and loving it… It’s because of our polyamory, that I know his needs are being met, and that he’s got love, and connection while I’m off living my best life too. The solid foundation of our love and commitment to our marriage is the anchor that gives both of us a sense of freedom to explore. We always have each other. No matter what.
