Should Being Poly Come with Written Agreements?
TikTok video from 2022-03-08
Fun question that popped up recently: Should being poly come with written agreements?
A special shoutout to Sarah, who I know in real life! I love that you brought this up, because it’s one of those questions that sounds simple on the surface, but gets deep really fast.
So, here’s my take: Yes—agreements are a good thing.
Now, let’s be clear. In the polyamorous world, there’s a lot of conversation (and sometimes debate) around the differences between rules and boundaries, and whether rules are even ethical. Some people say rules can feel restrictive or controlling. Others find them comforting or clarifying.
But at the end of the day, what matters most is that you’re clear about what your agreements are—and even more importantly, how you’ll revisit them.
Because here’s the truth: agreements will change. They should change.
What you need or want at the very beginning of opening up a relationship might be very different a few months (or even a few weeks) down the line. People grow. Comfort levels shift. New dynamics emerge. And what felt necessary at first might become irrelevant—or something you initially dismissed might become a real need.
So yes, having written or clearly stated agreements can be really helpful, especially early on. But even more important than the agreements themselves is this question: How do we talk about them when they no longer work?
Part of the tricky part of agreements is the fact that when more people become involved, and want agreements of their own (timing, overnights, feelings), there might be a desire to consider shifting, and where shifts can occur. Who’s shifting more? In one case, with us, in order for my hubby to see his girlfriend at our place, I had to be gone. And I was gone a LOT, so there was ample opportunity for them to be alone, but her schedule only allowed certain days to see him, so I was often having to leave for their rendezvous. That had to be renegotiated. And we did it.
That’s where real polyamorous strength lives—in the ongoing conversations, the renegotiations, the willingness to adapt.
So start with clarity. Be honest. Put it in writing if that helps. But stay flexible. Because relationships aren’t static—and your agreements shouldn’t be either.
Want to go deeper on how to set or evolve agreements in polyamory? I’m always open to the convo.
