Reclaiming Pleasure: What I Wish I’d Known About Sex So Much Sooner
TikTok video from 2022-02-20
One of the things that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough in relationships—especially in marriage—is sex. Sure, we talk about it with our girlfriends (sometimes), maybe men talk about it with their guy friends, but real, open, vulnerable conversations about sexual fulfillment? Not so common.
I’m a woman in my fifties, and I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the things I learned—or more accurately, the things I internalized—about sex growing up. I wasn’t explicitly taught this, but I definitely absorbed it: that my sex life was supposed to revolve around my partner’s pleasure. I was responsible to responding to his desire. That if I didn’t keep him satisfied, he might leave. That his needs came first, and mine? Optional. Bonus points. Not essential.
Looking back, I carried that belief into my marriage. For years, I believed that as long as my husband was happy with our sex life, then everything was fine. If I enjoyed it too, great—but I never saw my own pleasure as the priority. It’s not that he made me feel unimportant—it’s that I never gave myself permission to be important.
And that’s the part that breaks my heart a little.
The shift started when I began having casual conversations with male friends—men I was never romantically involved with—about sex. And to my absolute shock, they said things like, “If she doesn’t come three or four times before I do, what’s the point?” or “I don’t even care if I have an orgasm—I just want to make sure she enjoys it.”
Wait… what?
Men who want to prioritize their partner’s pleasure? Men exist who don’t see sex as successful unless their partner is fully satisfied? Who even—gasp—enjoy that process more than their own climax?
They exist. They really do. And finding that out changed everything for me.
It helped me receive pleasure differently. It helped me accept—really accept—the pleasure my husband had always been trying to give me. Because now, I was no longer filtering it through the lens of obligation or fear. I could actually let go and receive.
And that’s been transformative.
If I could tell my younger self—or any woman stuck in that old narrative—just one thing, it’s this: YOUR PLEASURE MATTERS. It always did. You’re not just a supporting character in someone else’s story. You’re the main event too. THE WHEEL OF CONSENT, created by Betty Martin, changed everything for me
Talk about sex. With your friends, your partners, yourself. Ask questions. Be curious.
Relearn.
Unlearn.
You deserve a sex life that’s full of joy, connection, and yes—pleasure.
What a concept, right?
