Kitchen Table Poly: When Everyone Knows Everyone—and Why That Matters to Me
TikTok video from 2022-02-18
Q: If a Sidepiece doesn’t communicate with their spouse, are they off limits?
A: I personally love practicing Kitchen Table Poly. That means everyone involved knows about everyone else, and ideally, we can all sit down together—like at a kitchen table—and have a conversation, share a meal, or just be in each other's lives in a warm, open way.
Now, it doesn’t always play out quite that perfectly, but that’s the general idea I try to move toward. For example, my sidepiece and I have been dating for three years, and at this point, his wife, my husband, and the two of us are all friends. He and I are the only ones who are intimate, but when they're in town or we visit them, the four of us hang out pretty regularly. It’s comfortable, respectful, and honestly, it feels great to be surrounded by people who are on the same page.
That said, not every relationship fits this model. I’ve dated men whose wives I’ve never met—but I know they’re in open relationships, and we’re clear and communicative about boundaries and consent. That can still work well, especially when trust and honesty are in place.
What I don’t participate in is what’s often called "don’t ask, don’t tell" poly. That’s when someone is technically in an open relationship, but they don’t talk about it with their spouse or partner. There’s no real transparency.
And for me, that just doesn’t feel safe, or fun. Part of the fun for me is dating men who’s wives are curious about their time with me and it’s okay to talk openly about what we’re up to… in a lot of cases, we share videos and pictures of our time together… However, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is a legitimate form of ethical non-monogamy…
My first meta wanted complete privacy, and I was wrong to say that wasn’t okay… However, in all of my relationships now (in 2025), I’m clear that if someone has a partner that requires privacy, I’ll probably bow out of the relationship and let them explore theirs. I’m never going to stand in the way of it ever again. Everyone can have what they want; just maybe not together.
I am a voyeur, and an exhibitionist, so I like to see, and be seen. Others don’t. Everyone gets to have their needs met. My boyfriend knows (and enjoys voyeurism and exhibitionism as well) that my boundary is transparency… If he’s dating other women, he let’s them know that in the relationship he’s seeking, he’ll share pictures and stories with me. If that’s not okay with them, he’ll move on and find a better fit for a partner.
To be fair, I live in his home with his wife and her boyfriend. We don’t share things with them. She prefers privacy. So, we honor her wishes. But we’re all living together… There are basically no secrets in this household!
At the end of the day, everyone’s poly journey looks different, and what works for one person might not work for another. But for me? I thrive in spaces where connection and communication are front and center—where we’re not just navigating relationships in silos, but creating a community of openness, care, and mutual respect. And we have that here at home, in this current living situation. We all work together to make sure everyone’s needs are met and respected.
Got questions about Kitchen Table Poly, boundaries, or what ethical non-monogamy looks like in real life? I’m always open to share more.
