Let’s Talk About Rules and Boundaries (Part One)
TikTok video from 2022-03-13
I’ve been married to my husband for 34+ years, and over the past few years, we’ve opened our relationship and embraced polyamory. These days, I have a husband, a boyfriend, and a handful of comet lovers. And trust me, there’s been a learning curve.
We first stepped into the lifestyle three years ago. Interestingly enough, my husband was the one who went first. He had a friend—a mutual one, actually—who was interested in exploring a romantic relationship with him. We’d already discussed the idea of swinging, and I was open to them trying it out.
So we did what we thought was the right thing: we made some rules and set a few boundaries.
And… it was a complete shit show.
Seriously. Emotions ran high, communication got messy, and all the structure we tried to build didn’t play out the way we expected. But you know what? We learned so much. And those early stumbles helped shape the much more stable, respectful dynamic we have today.
One of the biggest lessons we learned was this:
Rules apply to other people. Boundaries apply to ourselves.
That’s the heart of it. Rules often come from a place of fear or control: “You can’t sleep over,” “You have to call me first,” “You can’t do XYZ with anyone else.” And when rules are broken—as they often are—it can feel like betrayal.
Boundaries, on the other hand, are rooted in self-awareness and care: “If you choose to sleep over, I’ll need some space the next day to process.” Or, “I don’t feel comfortable being part of that dynamic, so I’ll step back,” and the most common one of all, “If you choose to not use protection with an untested partner, I’ll choose to have us use condoms until you test again.”
It’s a huge mindset shift, but it changed everything for us.
So, this is going to be part one of a little series—because there’s a lot to unpack when it comes to navigating boundaries, rules, and respectful communication in open relationships. And honestly? It’s one of the most powerful things polyamory has taught me.
Stay tuned for part two—we’ll dive deeper into how we moved from rules to boundaries and built something that really works.
