Rules vs. Boundaries: What’s the Difference?
TikTok video from 2022-03-13
So here’s the thing: when we opened our relationship, we didn’t create a big list of rules. What I wanted—what we wanted—was open communication. That’s always been our foundation. The only real guideline we agreed on at first was simple: just be honest about where you are and what’s going on.
That said, I’ve since learned a lot about the difference between rules and boundaries, and I want to share a few examples that make the contrast super clear.
A rule is when someone outside a relationship tries to control what happens inside that relationship. For instance, I was once dating a man whose girlfriend said we were not allowed to have overnights. That wasn’t a decision between him and me—it was dictated by someone else. And that didn’t sit well with me. That relationship ended, partly because I don’t do well with rules imposed by someone who’s not even in the relationship.
Rules often stem from fear—fear of losing connection, of scaracity, or of being replaced. While that fear is human and valid, trying to control others rarely results in trust or intimacy. Instead, it creates resentment, secrecy, and emotional distance.
Here’s another common example: a rule might say, “My husband must always use a condom when having sex with anyone else.” That’s a rule—it’s placing a requirement on his relationship and actions with another person.
A boundary, on the other hand, is about me and what I need to feel safe. So in that same situation, I might say, “If you choose to have unprotected sex with someone else, then I will require that you use a condom with me.”
That’s a boundary. It doesn’t control what he does—it defines what I will do to care for myself in response. It allows me to take responsibility for my well-being without stepping into someone else’s autonomy.
Boundaries are rooted in autonomy. Rules are rooted in control.
Boundaries invite communication. They say, "Here’s where I am, here’s what I need, and here’s how I’ll act if those needs aren’t respected." That clarity helps relationships thrive.
And here’s a big one: some people try to create rules about feelings. Like, “You can date other people, but you can’t fall in love.”
But love happens. And trying to legislate feelings doesn’t work. My husband loves his girlfriends. I love my boyfriends. And because we trust the strength of our bond, we don’t need to control each other’s hearts.
We’ve found that love doesn’t dilute—it expands. Letting go of the need to restrict feelings has created space for more connection, not less.
We don’t place rules on each other—we create boundaries for ourselves. And that shift has made our relationships more respectful, honest, and sustainable. We’re not trying to fence each other in; we’re offering one another the freedom to be whole people, with the understanding that we’ll keep showing up with care.
I hope this helps clarify things! Let me know in the comments if you want more examples—I love digging into this stuff.
