Flirting with the Truth: When I Tell People I'm Poly
TikTok video from 2022-07-18
This is one of those spicy little debates in the polyam world—when do you reveal you're polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous? First date? First kiss? First text? Or do you wait until you’re sure there’s chemistry before dropping the “I’ve got a husband and a boyfriend and maybe a date tomorrow” bomb?
I’ve heard every approach. Some folks like to keep things light and flirtatious for a while, then ease into the deeper stuff. Others wait until it’s clear someone is seriously interested. But me? I’m firmly in the sooner is better camp. Honestly, I’d rather be too transparent than not transparent enough.
I just don’t want to lead anyone on. I’ve seen it happen—people assume you’re “available” in the traditional, monogamous sense, start planning you into their future, and then boom: “Wait, you’re married??”
Yeah. Not a good time.
So I don’t wait. If I’m chatting with someone new, I try to bring it up naturally and early. It’s not a dramatic announcement. It’s more like a filter. I don’t need someone who’s perfect—I need someone who’s on the same page. And for that to happen, I need to be clear about what book I’m reading from.
Take Produce Guy, for example. He’s this charming, slightly awkward, very cute man I ran into at the grocery store. We struck up a conversation in the fruit aisle (as one does), and there was that tiny spark of oh, you’re fun.
He’s flirty. I’m flirty. So here’s what I’m planning to say:
“Hey, you’re fun to flirt with and I’d love to keep doing that. If you’re available, I’d be interested in dating you. I just want you to know—I’m polyamorous. I’m married. I date other people. If that’s something you’re open to, let’s see where this goes.”
No need to make it weird or overly serious. Just honest. Direct. Playful. Respectful.
And you know what? Most of the time, people appreciate it. The right ones stay curious. The wrong ones respectfully bow out. Either way, we’re not wasting each other’s time.
Also? It’s in my dating profiles. If you’re swiping right on me, you’re swiping right on someone who’s open, married, dating, and not here to pretend otherwise. I try to make it as clear as I can—because my relationship structure isn’t a twist ending, and I’m not interested in playing the role of “monogamous maybe.”
So here’s my question to you:
When do you bring it up? First message? Third date? After the first orgasm?
Everyone has their own rhythm, and I totally get that. But for me, honesty early on is the sexiest move there is. That way, when the flirting gets real, it’s grounded in truth—not fantasy.
Because trust me, the people who are into you and your lifestyle? They’re out there. And flirting with someone who actually sees all of you? That’s the kind of turn-on I’m after.
