Falling in Love… with Your Hobbies?
TikTok video from 2022-08-01
I’m up here in Massachusetts, soaking up the cool weather and some really lovely connections—including a long, wine-fueled chat with a monogamous friend of mine that left both of us feeling surprisingly seen.
Here’s what came out of it: I think my polyamorous perspective might actually help folks in monogamous relationships, too. And not in a “try polyamory!” way—more in a “here’s how I see things now, and maybe it’ll shift something for you” way.
My friend and her husband have always done their relationship a little differently. They’re fully monogamous, but they operate autonomously. Like, truly. They each have their own interests, goals, and time apart—and they’ve never really questioned it. That was just how they’ve always rolled.
And I was kind of in awe.
Because when I got married, I believed we were supposed to do everything together. The “two become one” thing? I took it literally. I thought loving someone meant attaching your entire life to theirs—same hobbies, same schedule, same priorities. Sound familiar?
Spoiler alert: That didn’t really work for me. Or him.
What clicked during this conversation with my friend was this: they’ve had the autonomy thing down for years, but they hadn’t really thought about their other interests—work, hobbies, passions—as relationships. And that’s the piece I brought in from my poly brain.
Stay with me here.
When you get into something new—a hobby, a job, a side hustle, a sudden fascination with pottery or pole dancing or pickleball—there’s this rush. That spark. The obsession. You think about it constantly, you rearrange your time for it, you fantasize about it. It’s exciting. It’s alive. It’s… well, it’s new relationship energy.
Yes, even if it’s not a person.
We talk about “new relationship energy” (NRE) in polyamory all the time—that thrilling, sparkly, slightly unhinged phase where you can’t stop thinking about someone new. But I’m starting to think we all experience it way more than we realize. We just don’t call it that when it’s about a job or a hobby or a new creative project.
So I offered her this: What if you approached your partner’s new passion—or your own—with the same awareness and compassion you’d give if they were dating someone new? Recognizing that it’s going to take time, attention, and energy… but that it doesn’t mean they’re leaving you behind?
It’s not about competing. It’s about adjusting. Understanding. Knowing that NRE shows up in all kinds of ways, and if you name it, you can navigate it a whole lot better.
I think this little mindset shift could be a game-changer for monogamous couples. Hell, it was a game-changer for me. It helped me stop taking things so personally when a partner was wrapped up in something that wasn’t me.
Because the truth is, love doesn’t mean constant togetherness. And new passion doesn’t always have to equal threat. Sometimes, it’s just your person getting really, really into something. And that’s allowed.
So—what do you think?
Have you ever caught yourself in a whirlwind of new relationship energy… with something that wasn’t a person?
Let’s talk about it.
