Wheel of Consent, Part Three: The Role I Didn’t Know I Could Choose
TikTok video from 2022-02-24
This is part three of my journey with the Wheel of Consent, the framework created by Betty Martin that truly changed the way I experience intimacy. If you’re curious about it, I highly recommend checking out Wheel of Consent as a resource—it’s a powerful, eye-opening model.
Let me take you back to a pivotal moment.
Tom and I were exploring together, and he asked me to choose a role. Simple question, right? But in that moment, I froze. Because I realized something huge: in my entire sexual history, I had only ever existed in one role—the Allower. I had never asked for something simply because it would bring me pleasure. I didn’t know I could. Truly.
Up until that point, sex had always felt like a give-and-take exchange. Tit for tat. You give me oral, I’ll give you oral. A quiet, unspoken script of expectation rather than enthusiastic, clear consent. I didn’t know that I could say, "This is what I want. This is what would bring me joy. And that’s all I want to do right now."
And when I looked deeper, I realized something even more painful: much of my sexual experience had been shaped by allowing access to my body, not choosing pleasure for myself. Some of that access was given reluctantly. And some—due to past trauma—was taken without my consent at all.
So when Tom (a sex coach I’d hired to help me transition to new partners after 30 years of only one partner) asked me to choose a role, it wasn’t just a fun little game of exploring dynamics. It was a complete rewiring of how I understood my body, my voice, and my right to desire.
And that’s when something else clicked: while my husband has always been a giver, he believed I was a receiver. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t asking. I wasn’t articulating what I wanted. I wasn’t participating with presence. I was simply allowing.
We were both on the same side of the Wheel—giver and allower—and because of this, we were completely mismatched. Because the magic happens when one person is giving and the other is truly receiving. Or when one person is taking and the other is allowing with intention, clarity and desire for that role. Without that alignment, even the most well-meaning intimacy can fall flat.
In that moment, I made a promise to myself. To practice receiving. To practice taking. To actively step into the roles I had always avoided. Because yes, I knew how to give. I was always giving. But, asking? Taking? Receiving? That felt revolutionary.
And let me tell you—it's been a game changer.
So I’d love to ask you: Have you played all four roles? Are you a giver, taker, allower, or receiver? Have you noticed where you naturally land—and what it feels like to step into another role?
Drop your thoughts in the comments. Let’s keep the conversation going. Because the Wheel of Consent isn’t just about sex. It’s about power, voice, agency, and the right to feel good—on your own terms.
