What Makes a Marriage Real? (Hint: It’s Not Just Sex)
TikTok video from 2022-07-09
While waiting for a recent doctor’s appointment, I found myself reading through some of the comments on my posts—responses from people who are still struggling to understand how my marriage works because my husband and I have sex with other people.
There’s one argument I keep seeing:
“If you’re having sex with other people, then your marriage isn’t real.”
Let’s unpack that for a moment.
By that logic, sex is the defining characteristic of a real marriage. Not the love. Not the companionship. Not the shared history, the home, the responsibilities, or the growth. Just sex.
But what happens to that logic when the sex stops—or when it never starts?
There are many valid reasons two people might not be having sex and still be deeply, joyfully married. For some, it’s a phase—a season shaped by stress, illness, aging, or parenting. For others, it’s a long-term dynamic rooted in asexuality or simply a shift in the nature of their relationship.
Do we consider those marriages “less real”?
Do we ask them to justify their commitment?
Do we assume that without sexual activity, the relationship loses its legitimacy?
Of course not—or at least we shouldn’t.
Yet, when it comes to consensual non-monogamy or polyamory, the standard suddenly shifts. The presence of other sexual partners is interpreted as the absence of marital love, rather than the expression of a deeply negotiated and honest form of love.
And that raises the real question: Why is sex still seen as the core marker of a successful, legitimate marriage?
Let’s remember something important: marriage is a legal contract. At its most basic, it’s a financial, social, and logistical agreement. What we build on top of that contract—love, connection, intimacy, caregiving, shared goals—is what gives marriage its meaning.
But not all marriages are built the same way.
And not all couples define intimacy through sex.
Some marriages are business partnerships.
Some are caregiving arrangements.
Some are deeply romantic, but not physically intimate.
Some are sexually vibrant in the beginning and transform into companionship over time.
The beauty of modern relationship models is that we get to define them for ourselves. We get to ask: What kind of life do we want to create together?
Not: How much sex must we have to prove our commitment to strangers on the internet?
If sex is the measure of a marriage, then let’s turn that mirror on ourselves.
Are you having as much sex as you want in your marriage?
Have you ever?
Is sex the reason you stay in your marriage—or is it something else?
For many, the answer is no. They stay for companionship. Shared purpose. Emotional safety. Family. History. And yes, sometimes out of comfort or convenience.
Does that make their marriages less real?
Or does it simply make them human?
I’ve said this before and I’ll keep saying it: polyamory isn’t the absence of commitment—it’s the presence of choice.
My husband and I have chosen to be together for decades. We’ve chosen to co-create a life, raise a family, share a home, support each other’s growth, and honor each other’s truths—including our sexual truths.
We’re not less married because we’re honest about our needs.
We’re not less married because we don’t confine intimacy to exclusivity.
We’re not less married because we’ve given each other permission to experience connection beyond the boundaries of tradition.
We’re still married. Still real. Still here.
And frankly, we’re happier than ever.
So the next time someone tells me that our marriage “doesn’t count” because we sleep with other people, I might just ask them this:
What makes your marriage real?
And are you sure it’s the sex that’s holding it together?
