What If My Partner Wanted to Return to Monogamy? (Part Two)

TikTok video from 2022-03-05

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Welcome to part two of this conversation. If you’re just joining, here’s the quick recap: my husband and I have been married for over three decades, and we’re polyamorous. We date separately, and our relationship is built on honesty, autonomy, and intentional connection.

In part one, I answered the question: What would I do if my husband decided he wanted to return to monogamy—and I didn’t?

And the honest answer? I wouldn’t choose monogamy.

Here’s why:

So much of the traditional conversation around marriage places monogamy as the most important pillar. But for us, that’s never been the case. Marriage has many sides—emotional intimacy, companionship, shared goals, mutual respect, and yes, sometimes, sex. But sex isn’t the glue that holds our marriage together. It’s one part of a very rich whole.

If my husband wanted to be monogamous—meaning he only wanted to have sex with one person, and that person was me—he has every right to make that choice. That’s his autonomy. But if he were asking me to be monogamous too? That’s a different conversation. Because I wouldn’t choose that for myself.

And that’s the heart of polyamory: you get to choose what works for you.

If our desires no longer aligned, we’d have to talk about how we wanted to move forward. Maybe we’d find a new structure (Spoiler Alert: We did). Maybe we’d redefine our partnership (Yep. That happened too). But we wouldn’t pretend that either of us could (or should) compromise on something that important just to maintain the illusion of harmony.

So if my husband decided monogamy was the only path forward for him, we’d have to ask the big question together: How do we want to live our lives now?

That’s what part three will be about.