Understanding the Wheel of Consent: What Role Do You Want to Play?

TikTok video from 2022-02-24

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Okay, buckle up babes, because I’m about to spill the tea on a toe-sucking story that—believe it or not—completely changed the way I think about sex, pleasure, and consent.

So you know how I’ve been exploring the Wheel of Consent lately? It’s this magical little tool created by Betty Martin (go to artofconsent.co.uk, seriously). It sounds super clinical at first, but hang with me—this chart helped me realize how I’ve been showing up in intimacy... and how I’ve been totally missing some key dynamics.

Let’s start with the basics: there are four roles—Giver, Receiver, Taker, Allow.

Simple, right? Wrong. Because when you really start applying them in real life, things get juicy fast.

So here's the setup: one night, my partner and I are getting ready to play (yes, that kind of play), and he turns to me and says, “Okay. Which role would you like to be in tonight?”

And I just froze.

Like... wait, what?

Because to answer that question, I had to actually know what I wanted. Not just go with the flow. Not just do the thing I thought he wanted. Not default to being “available” and calling that intimacy.

And suddenly, the wheel became a mirror. Not just a chart.

But before I go too deep, let’s rewind for a second and break it down in a way that helped me get it. Imagine something non-sexual. Let’s say someone asks to borrow your car.
You say, “Sure, but just between 2 and 4 PM.”
Boom—you’re the allower (you’re giving access), and they’re the taker (they’re getting the benefit).

Now bring that into the bedroom.
My boyfriend? Has a thing for feet. I mean, full-on loves to suck toes. Don’t ask me why—I don’t kink-shame—but honestly? I’m indifferent. I don’t hate it. I don’t love it. It’s just… fine.

But he lights up like a Christmas tree when he gets to play with my feet.

So when I say, “Okay, sure, go ahead,” and he’s over there living his best life—I’m not really receiving pleasure. I’m just allowing him to do something that turns him on. And that, my darling, makes me the allower, and him the taker.

Before the Wheel, I would’ve just called that “being a good partner.” But now? I realize it’s a role. A conscious one. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

So that night, when he asked me to pick a role, my brain went into full overdrive.

If I say I want to be the receiver, I have to ask for something that feels good to me—which means I actually have to know what that is (hello, emotional labor).
If I want to be the giver, I ask him what he wants, and then I give that.
If I want to be the taker, I ask him if I can do something to him that turns me on.
And if I want to be the allower, I say yes to him doing something that gives him pleasure, even if I’m neutral.

I mean… who knew consent could be so layered and hot?

And here’s the wild part: for most of my life, I’ve lived in the allower role. Always giving access, never really asking for anything. Not even realizing I could. And babe, that’s not just a sex thing—that’s a life thing. I might say that it leans towards “people pleasing.” 

So now? I’m learning to be a better receiver. A bolder taker. I’m exploring the full wheel. Not just the quadrant I was practiced at staying in.

And I’ve got to say… it’s changing everything.

So I’m curious—what’s your default role? Have you tried all four? Are you stuck in one like I was?

Let’s talk about it.

Consent isn’t just sexy. It’s liberating.