Redefining Vows: How We Made Our Marriage Thrive After 35 Years
TikTok video from 2022-06-23
When people hear that my husband and I have been married for 35 years and are still going strong, they often want to know our secret. And while there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to making a relationship work, I can tell you what has worked for us—and it started by redefining what our vows really meant.
I don’t know what your marriage vows were. I don’t know how long you’ve been married, or even what marriage looks like to you. But for us, our vows were simple and clear: to love, honor, and support each other in everything we wanted to do.
That sounded straightforward enough when we were in our 20s. But what no one tells you is how different your needs, interests, and desires can become over the decades. It’s easy to make promises when you’re aligned. The real test comes when you grow into different people.
At some point, we started to notice that a lot of the things one of us wanted to do, the other simply wasn’t interested in. We had choices: ignore those parts of ourselves, pressure each other to change, or walk away. But we chose something else entirely.
We chose support over sameness.
Instead of separating or pretending those unmet desires didn’t matter, we got creative. We opened our marriage, not as an act of desperation, but as an intentional move to honor the full scope of who we are—both as individuals and as partners.
My husband is not naturally romantic. It’s just not his love language, and that’s okay. I’ve stopped expecting grand romantic gestures from him—and I don’t feel deprived because I’ve found that elsewhere. With his full support, I’ve welcomed someone into my life who does express affection and romance in the way I enjoy. And he, in turn, is free to pursue the things that bring him joy.
This isn’t a loophole. It’s love in action. Real, evolving, honest love.
People often think staying together for decades means never needing or loving anyone else. But that mindset can actually limit intimacy and connection. What we’ve done is raise the bar—not lower it. We’ve chosen a path that allows each of us to be fully seen, supported, and satisfied.
Divorce was never the only option. Reinvention was.
And here we are—35 years in, happier than we’ve ever been.
