Is It External Validation… or Finally Letting Myself Believe What’s True?
TikTok video from 2023-03-15
Someone recently asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks:
“Do you think you're getting internal validation of self-worth from the attention of others?”
And first—thank you.
Truly.
Because it wasn’t asked in judgment.
It was asked with curiosity. With care.
And it gave me space to reflect.
So here’s the truth, in the most honest way I can say it:
I already know I’m worthy.
But for a long time, I gaslighted myself out of believing it.
Let me explain.
For years—decades, even—I’ve been surrounded by people who didn’t show up for me.
My husband, bless his soul, tried in the ways he could. But consistency, emotional effort, and that deep, attuned presence? It wasn’t there for a long time.
And the people I dated? So many canceled plans.
Postponed connection.
Flaked at the last minute.
Said sweet things and then disappeared into the ether of “busy.”
And slowly, subtly, that began to eat away at something inside me.
Because when people don’t make the effort, it’s easy to start asking,
“Am I even worth the effort?”
It’s easy to internalize the inconsistency of others as a reflection of your own value.
Even if you know better.
Even if you’ve done the work.
Even if you can list your strengths and own your beauty and affirm your power.
When you’re met—over and over again—with half-hearted effort, it starts to sound like a whisper inside your own mind:
Maybe you’re asking for too much.
Maybe you’re too much.
Maybe you're not worth showing up for.
That’s the gaslighting we do to ourselves.
We start believing the behavior of others over the truth of our own soul.
But then… something shifted.
I started meeting people—good people—who did show up.
People who kept their word.
Who didn’t cancel last-minute.
Who made plans and followed through.
Who sent the “I’m thinking about you” texts before I even had to wonder.
And slowly, it started to click:
It wasn’t me. It was never me.
The truth I had always known about myself—that I’m valuable, desirable, worthy of effort, worthy of time—was reflected back to me in their actions.
Their consistency didn’t give me self-worth.
But it reminded me of what I already knew—and helped me un-gaslight myself from all the years of believing I had to accept crumbs.
So, to answer your question:
No, I’m not seeking self-worth in the attention of others.
But yes—I’m healing by being mirrored by people who align with the truth I’ve worked so hard to reclaim.
Because healing happens not just in solitude, but in safe relationship.
In consistency.
In effort.
In being chosen by people who see your value and treat it like it matters.
I’m learning that every “yes” to me that comes with follow-through, respect, and presence is a reminder:
I’m not too much.
I’m not hard to love.
I’m not asking for anything unreasonable.
I’m just asking the wrong people.
And now?
I’m not doing that anymore.
I’m choosing people who reflect my truth, not distort it.
People who show up because they want to—not because I chase them, convince them, or shrink for them.
So no, I’m not getting validation from others to prove I’m worthy.
But I am collecting evidence.
Evidence that the way I love, the way I show up, the way I am—has always been worthy of someone doing the same in return.
