How Polyamory Helped Me Show Up as My Whole Self
TikTok video from 2023-03-14
There’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Something tender, quiet, but undeniably powerful.
Polyamory hasn’t just changed the way I love. It’s changed the way I see myself.
And maybe that sounds strange at first. Maybe it sounds like an odd place to find clarity on selfhood. But for me, it’s been one of the most profound mirrors I’ve ever stood in front of.
I’ve spent most of my life being shaped by the expectations of a singular relationship—the rhythms of monogamy, the roles I thought I was supposed to play, the identities that became default through repetition. Wife. Partner. Steady. Familiar.
But polyamory?
Polyamory invited me to reintroduce myself—not just to others, but to me.
Because when you are in multiple relationships—when you are seen through the eyes of more than one lover, more than one energy—you start to get this fascinating, layered feedback about who you are.
You notice what people reflect back to you.
Where they lean in.
Where they’re inspired.
Where they’re intimidated.
Where they struggle to meet you.
Where they choose to.
And all of it becomes information—not about them, but about how you’re showing up.
Some people meet me and find me empowering.
Others find me intimidating.
Some feel inspired.
Some are drawn in by the joy I carry, the openness in my voice, the permission I give to be fully expressed.
Others… are challenged by that. Unsettled by it. Maybe even a little put off.
And here’s the truth I’m learning to own:
All of those responses are valid.
And none of them define me.
What polyamory has given me is the ability to see myself in motion, through different relational dynamics. Not just the long, lived-in familiarity of a decades-long marriage, but the spark of new connection. The tenderness of a shared kink. The deep intimacy of parallel partnerships. The casual joy of a date that turns into something more.
Each interaction becomes a reflection.
Each connection asks me:
“Who are you, really?”
“Who are you when you're not being shaped by just one mirror?”
And the answer, every time, becomes clearer:
I am who I am.
Not in defiance. Not in apology. But in truth.
Sometimes that shows up as joyful.
Sometimes empowering.
Sometimes intimidating.
Sometimes even rude, to someone who isn’t ready for the fullness of me.
But through polyamory, I’ve stopped trying to control how others experience me.
I’ve started trusting that however I show up—when it’s grounded in authenticity—is enough.
That doesn’t mean I don’t take responsibility for my impact. I do.
But I’ve learned to stop over-apologizing for simply being me.
Polyamory gave me feedback. Not criticism. Not praise. Just... reflection.
And reflection has given me clarity.
So now, when I walk into a room—whether it’s with a longtime partner or someone I’m just getting to know—I try to come in with openness, curiosity, and the deep knowing that I no longer need to shrink or shift to be palatable.
Because I’m no longer just performing a role.
I’m just being Lisa.
Fully. Clearly. Honestly. Boldly.
And that?
That’s a love story all on its own.
