Cut to the Chase: Why I Love Dating as a Polyam Person
TikTok video from 2022-08-19
Last night, I went on a date. Nothing wild, nothing dramatic—just dinner, conversation, and a little bit of shared curiosity between two seasoned adults who know what they want. But as I sat there across from someone new, chatting over appetizers, I was reminded of one of the most liberating aspects of my polyamorous life:
I get to be direct.
Not because I’m in a rush. Not because I’m too impatient to let things “unfold naturally.”
But because I know myself. I know what I’m looking for. And in ethical non-monogamy, especially when practiced with clarity and care, that kind of honesty is not just accepted—it’s welcomed.
Here’s what happened.
My date has been married for 25 years. I’ve been married for 35. Both of our partners are fully aware and supportive of our dating lives. He and his wife started out as swingers, but eventually moved into dating separately. My husband and I have always dated independently—that’s what feels natural for us. So from the beginning, the setup was aligned.
As we exchanged the usual back-and-forth—where we’re from, what we do, what our weeks looked like—I could feel something start to settle. There was a rhythm, a natural ease. It wasn’t fireworks, but it was open, respectful, and real.
Midway through the first course, I leaned in and said, “Can I just cut to the chase?”
He smiled. “Sure.”
I asked, “Are you in, or are you out?”
He didn’t flinch. He nodded and replied, “It feels good.”
I smiled back. “Then let’s make our plans.”
And just like that, we skipped over the performative steps so many of us feel obligated to take in early dating—especially in monogamous culture. There was no need for posturing, no awkward ‘wait a few days’ texting dance, no unspoken scripts. Just two people being honest about their sense of connection and their willingness to move forward.
It was simple. It was direct. It was everything I love about dating as a polyamorous woman.
For years, I operated in a world where dating came with so many invisible rules. Where emotional honesty was seen as “too much,” and being clear about your intentions too early made you look desperate or clingy. Where gauging interest took weeks, sometimes months, and ambiguity was mistaken for depth.
But when you live your life through the lens of ethical non-monogamy—especially when it’s grounded in consent, autonomy, and self-knowledge—dating transforms into something else entirely.
It becomes collaborative. Honest. Clear.
And, perhaps most surprisingly, it becomes gentle.
That’s the part most people miss. People think that polyamory is chaotic or overwhelming. But for me, it has brought more peace, not less. Because I no longer need to make anyone be everything. I don’t need to wedge myself into someone else’s box, or bend their desires into mine. I can simply ask:
Do we feel a spark of alignment? Do we both want to explore this further?
If yes, wonderful.
If not, thank you for the clarity.
This isn’t about rushing into anything. When I asked, “Are you in or are you out?” I wasn’t asking for a lifetime commitment or a label. I was asking if the energy we were feeling was worth nurturing. If the door should stay open. That’s it.
And because we’re both grounded in long-term, supportive relationships—both of us having learned what we value and what we can offer—there’s no need to second-guess. No need to play it cool. We’re not trying to “lock something down” or fill a void. We’re meeting out of curiosity and respect, not desperation.
And that is such a powerful place to begin.
So yes, I walked away from that dinner smiling. Not because I found my soulmate or discovered something extraordinary. But because I was reminded—again—that polyamory gives me the space to date with honesty, ease, and joy.
I don’t have to date someone three or four times just to figure out if we’re aligned.
I don’t have to perform emotional withholding to seem mysterious.
I don’t have to play games.
I just have to be present, be honest, and be open to what’s possible.
That’s the gift of this path. That’s the magic of being poly.
And in a world that often rewards emotional unavailability and punishes clarity, that might just be the most radical love language of all.
