Crash, Burn, and a Surprise Veto: Why I Don’t Play That Way
TikTok video from 2023-01-17
Last week, I had one of those connections—the kind that makes you feel giddy, grounded, and wide open all at once. We had a fantastic date.
Actually, we had two dates. In the same day. That kind of chemistry.
We clicked hard. We wanted the same things. We communicated well. We were in sync. It felt so good to just connect with someone who got it.
Until it crashed. And burned.
He was visiting Utah, and so was I. It felt aligned. It felt simple. And from where I stood, it looked like we were both on the same page about what this could become.
But then… the veto.
His wife shut it down. No warning, no conversation. Just a hard stop.
And here’s the kicker: I specifically asked him—before anything physical or emotional went deep—if vetoes were part of their agreement.
His answer?
“Oh no, no, we don’t do vetoes. We only veto things like calendar conflicts or logistics.”
Except… apparently, they do.
What he called an agreement was really a set of rules. What she called a boundary was actually a control mechanism. And in the middle of that miscommunication? Me.
Look, I know polyamory can be messy. We’re human. We’re learning. And not everyone uses the same language with the same meaning. But when someone says “no vetoes,” and then a veto happens? That’s not just a shift—it’s a breach of trust.
There’s a big difference between a boundary and a rule.
A boundary is about you—what you need, what you can offer, what your nervous system can tolerate.
A rule is often about controlling someone else—what they can or can’t do, usually to manage someone’s comfort.
And I get it. Relationships can bring up all kinds of fears. But calling it a boundary when it’s actually a rule? That muddies the waters. It creates a false sense of security, especially for someone new walking into that dynamic.
So yeah, I blocked him.
Not out of anger. Not to punish. But because I have my own boundaries, and one of them is this: I don’t play with people who can’t clearly navigate their own relationship agreements.
I don’t do veto culture. I don’t do passive miscommunication. I don’t do “oops, I thought I had permission but I actually didn’t.”
I’ve worked way too hard on being transparent, ethical, and self-aware to step into a situation that isn’t built on the same foundation.
And I’m not mad at him. I’m really not. I think he was just as surprised as I was. I think he wanted this connection too.
But wanting isn’t enough.
Clarity is love. Transparency is safety. And if you’re dating while partnered, you owe it to the people you engage with to know where your yes actually ends.
So here’s your PSA from me—Lisa, The Poly Wife—after a crash and burn in Utah:
Ask the hard questions. Ask them again.
Check for rules disguised as boundaries.
Check for “agreements” that haven’t been tested in the real world.
And trust your gut when the story shifts mid-chapter.
Because polyamory isn’t just about having options—it’s about having integrity.
