Why Do We Still Judge People for Dating More Than One Person? (Especially When They’re Honest About It)
TikTok video from 2022-08-31
I was talking to someone recently—a divorced guy, single for a couple of years, just trying to find his footing again in the dating world. We were having a pretty casual chat until he said something that made me stop mid-sip of my coffee.
He said, “You’re the first person who hasn’t judged me for dating multiple women.”
Now, let me be clear—this man wasn’t sneaking around. He wasn’t ghosting, breadcrumbing, or playing games. He was simply doing what many of us are doing when we’re single: dating. As in, going out, getting to know people, seeing what clicks, and exploring possibilities. You know, the whole point of dating?
Apparently, he’d been called everything from a player to emotionally unavailable just for being open about seeing more than one woman at a time. And not in secret—with full transparency.
So I smiled and said, “You should check out my TikTok channel. It’s basically a shrine to dating multiple people.”
But real talk? It made me think. Why is this still such a big deal?
Why do we, as a culture, still expect people to act like they’re in a monogamous commitment the minute they go on one date? Or exchange a few cute texts? Or flirt with someone at the farmer’s market?
We don’t owe exclusivity before it’s been agreed upon. And we shouldn’t guilt people into acting like they do.
The idea that “you should only date one person at a time” is baked so deep into our social norms that a lot of people don’t even realize it’s a choice. They assume it’s just what “good” people do. As if dating multiple people, even openly and ethically, is some sort of betrayal—or a red flag.
But here’s the truth: that expectation isn’t rooted in emotional intelligence or respect—it’s rooted in scarcity thinking.
The idea that love is limited. That time is transactional. That attention is a zero-sum game.
And the fear that if someone’s exploring other options, it means you’re not enough.
But exploring doesn’t mean you’re not enough. It means the person is curious. Honest. Maybe even brave.
And here’s where my polyamorous perspective kicks in: polyamory has taught me that love—and connection—doesn’t have to be limited. It’s not a pie that gets smaller with each slice. It’s more like a garden. Different things grow in different places. Some things blossom. Some things wilt. You learn. You tend. You grow.
And while not everyone is wired for polyamory (and that’s totally okay), I do believe everyone should have the space to date without shame. Especially when they’re doing it with clarity and honesty.
We need to stop punishing people for not following a script they didn’t write.
Dating multiple people doesn’t make you “non-serious.” It doesn’t mean you’re “avoiding intimacy.” And it sure as hell doesn’t make you a bad person.
It might just mean you’re taking your time. Exploring what lights you up. Honoring your curiosity. Or simply recognizing that your heart doesn’t move on a linear timeline.
So here’s what I’m sitting with, and what I’d love for you to consider too:
How do we start unlearning the judgment that gets baked into dating culture?
How do we make room for people to figure themselves out—without shaming them for not landing on “the one” right away?*
Because real connection can only grow in honest soil. And honesty shouldn’t be punished—it should be celebrated.
