Solution-Focused Living: Why I Don’t Dwell in the Problem
TikTok video from 2022-05-03
One of the most powerful mindset shifts I’ve made in my adult life is this: I focus on solutions.
That might sound simple or even obvious—but for me, it’s a daily practice. It’s an internal compass. And no, it doesn’t mean I always know how something is going to work out. It just means I’ve made the decision to believe that it can.
Let me explain.
Like anyone, I’ve had my share of stress, mess, miscommunications, and unexpected emotional detours. Navigating long-term marriage, polyamorous relationships, career shifts, personal growth, aging, friendship dynamics—there are plenty of opportunities for things to feel complicated.
But I’ve learned something big: staying stuck in the problem doesn’t move me forward. It just drains my energy, keeps me in reaction mode, and turns little issues into lingering ones.
So when I say, “I focus on solutions,” what I mean is:
I focus on possibility.
I trust that clarity will come.
I believe that I’m capable of handling what’s in front of me—even if I don’t have all the pieces yet.
Sometimes that looks like giving a situation a little breathing room. Sometimes it looks like asking for help, or brainstorming with a trusted friend. I’m a huge fan of collaborative thinking. If you sit across from me and say, “I’m stuck,” chances are we’re going to talk through every possible angle until something clicks. I LOVE brain-storming, and finding a path through is my mantra.
Other times, solution-focused living just means choosing not to spiral. It means noticing that I could get caught up in frustration, but I’m choosing something more constructive instead.
I have learned that in the moment that I’m experiencing an upset, or not in my most joyful state, that there’s a possibility of a lesson for me to learn. The faster I remember that I’m in the middle of a “lesson” and I start to get curious about what THAT could be, it shifts me out of my “mood” or “anger” or “fight or flight” stage, and into curiosity. When I’m curious, I’m winning… and if there’s drama and I’m looking at MY part in it… I choose curiosity instead of engagement.
Even in my relationships—especially in polyamory—this mindset is vital. Instead of saying, “This is too hard,” I ask, “What could make this easier?” Instead of resenting unmet needs, I ask, “What needs are being met, and where’s the gap?” And then we talk. We get creative. We get real.
Focusing on solutions isn’t about toxic positivity or pretending everything is fine. It’s about staying open to the idea that even if I can’t fix everything right now, I can shift my energy toward what’s possible.
That shift? It changes everything.
