How Does Jealousy Show Up for You? (A Conversation Worth Having)
TikTok video from 2023-10-23
Jealousy.
It’s one of those words that feels heavy in the mouth. Charged. Familiar. A little shameful. Definitely misunderstood.
I had a conversation the other day with my girlfriend Molly—yes, that Molly—and we started talking about how jealousy shows up in our relationships. Not just the kind of jealousy that turns into yelling matches and insecurity spirals (although… yeah, I’ve been there), but the quieter kind. The sneaky kind. The kind you almost don’t want to name.
In polyamory, jealousy is something we’re taught to acknowledge, to face head-on, and to work through—not avoid, not deny. But let’s be real: it still catches you off guard sometimes. Even when you think you’re over it. Even when you know your relationship is solid.
Most of the jealousy I’ve experienced comes from comparison.
That little voice that says, “What if he likes her better?”
Or, “What if I’m not enough?”
Or, “What if this changes everything?”
It’s the fear of losing something precious.
It’s the fear of change.
Of disruption. Of disconnection.
Even in the most secure, open-hearted relationships, jealousy can still whisper, “Be careful. This might cost you.”
But Molly said something that made me pause.
She told me her boyfriend feels jealousy more as a protective response.
Not from fear of losing her, but from fear that she might get hurt by someone else.
That someone might not treat her well.
That someone might not understand her the way he does.
And that flipped a switch in my brain.
Is that jealousy?
Or is that love expressing itself in the form of caution?
I’ve been sitting with that question ever since.
Because I’ve felt that too. That instinct to want to guard someone I care about from harm—even when I’m not the one being “threatened.” But I never labeled that as jealousy. I thought of it as protectiveness. Concern. Even tenderness.
So now I’m wondering…
Where does jealousy end and protectiveness begin?
Is there a difference?
And does it matter?
Jealousy gets such a bad rap, but maybe it’s not the enemy.
Maybe it’s just a signal.
A little nudge saying, “Hey, something here feels tender. Let’s slow down. Let’s talk about it.”
And in polyamory—where relationships stretch, shift, and evolve constantly—that kind of signal can actually be helpful. If we listen. If we don’t shame ourselves for it. If we invite it in with curiosity instead of trying to shove it down or pretend it isn’t there.
So I’m asking you:
How does jealousy show up in your relationships?
Does it feel like fear? Protection? Insecurity? Love?
All of the above?
I don’t have all the answers.
But I do have questions.
And a willingness to keep feeling, keep talking, keep learning.
Let’s talk about it. Really.
