Defining Cheating in a Sexually Evolving World: Sexting, Mismatched Libidos, and the Power of Transparency
TikTok video from 2023-02-15
Let’s talk about cheating.
Not the textbook kind. Not the dramatic movie-scene kind. I’m talking about the quiet kind—the kind that happens in inboxes and late-night messages, through private browsers and silent phones. I’m talking about sexting strangers, online fantasies, and unmet needs that never make it into words between partners.
I had a powerful conversation with a friend recently that made me sit down and really think through two layered questions:
Is sexting with strangers considered cheating in a monogamous relationship—especially when there’s no emotional connection involved?
If one partner in a monogamous relationship has a significantly lower sex drive, is it “okay” for the higher-libido partner to seek pleasure online—so long as it’s not physical?
It’s complicated.
It’s personal.
But it’s not unanswerable.
And in my experience—both lived and shared—the answer always comes back to one thing: transparency.
First: Is Sexting Cheating?
Here’s how I feel, plainly:
If you’re in a monogamous relationship, and one of you is sexting strangers—even if you’re not emotionally attached, even if you never meet up—it’s still cheating if it’s hidden.
If you’d feel uncomfortable with your partner seeing those messages, or you feel the need to erase the trail when you’re done, then somewhere deep down, you know it crosses a line.
And no, it’s not about policing desire.
It’s about honoring agreements.
Every couple gets to define what’s okay in their relationship. But once you've committed to monogamy—and all the exclusivity it typically implies—then opening up a private sexual channel with someone outside that agreement without consent is not just a boundary breach.
It’s a trust breach.
Second: What About Libido Mismatches?
This one hits close to home.
In the early years of my marriage, I had a very low sex drive. Not because I didn’t love my husband. Not because I wasn’t attracted to him. Just… because. Hormones. Stress. Disconnection from my own body. Whatever the cause, I wasn’t in a sexual space. For a long time.
And here’s what we did:
We talked about it.
We didn’t shame it. We didn’t suppress it.
We joked about it at first. “Maybe we need a second wife,” I’d say, laughing—half-serious. “Someone who wants to do all the things I don’t want to do right now.” And that seed of a joke eventually grew into a reality.
Not out of betrayal.
Out of care.
Out of truth.
Because I didn’t want to deny him pleasure just because I wasn’t in a place to provide it.
I just wanted it to be honest.
Fast forward to now:
My libido is off the charts. And his? A little quieter.
So I go on dates—like one tonight with Luke—and my husband gives me a kiss on the cheek and says, “Have fun.”
Over the weekend, he had two dates. We’re both satisfied. No one is hiding. No one is left behind.
But the most important part?
Everything is out in the open.
Why Online Play Still Requires Consent
Even if there's no physical touch.
Even if you never meet in person.
Even if it's “just text” or “just cam” or “just pictures.”
If it’s secret, it’s a betrayal.
Not because of what you’re doing—but because of what you’re not saying.
We live in a world where digital intimacy is just as real as physical connection.
And online spaces—especially those filled with erotic energy—can be deeply bonding.
They can also be deeply violating… when experienced through betrayal.
It doesn’t matter if you never touch.
If your partner didn’t agree to it—if you never gave them the chance to say yes or no—then you’re not asking for permission.
You’re asking for forgiveness after you've crossed a line you know exists.
Relationships Evolve. So Should the Agreements.
Desire isn’t static.
Neither is libido.
Neither are the rules of engagement.
What you agreed to five years ago might not work now.
And that’s okay—as long as you revisit the agreements.
You might both be ready to explore more openness.
Or you might decide together that some things remain off-limits.
The key is: talk about it.
Don't assume that because you're sexually unsatisfied, you’re entitled to seek relief elsewhere without discussion.
And don’t assume your partner will say no, either.
You might be surprised by what’s possible when honesty leads the way.
What It All Comes Down To
So, back to the big questions:
Is sexting cheating?
Yes—if it's outside the agreement and kept in the dark.
Is it okay to seek online sexual connection during a libido mismatch?
Only if your partner knows, understands, and says yes.
Anything else isn’t a loophole. It’s a lie.
You don't have to be monogamous.
You don't have to be polyamorous.
But you do have to be truthful.
Because in any relationship—open or closed—the foundation isn’t the sex.
It’s the consent.
It’s the clarity.
It’s knowing what each of you needs and making choices together, not in secret.
So, what’s your definition of cheating?
How do you navigate mismatched desires?
What agreements have shifted in your own relationship over time?
Let’s talk. Because every relationship gets to define its own rules—
but only when both people are playing the same game.
