Dating a People Pleaser (and the Surprisingly Complicated Art of Giving and Receiving)
TikTok video from 2022-11-22
Good morning.
There’s a man I’ve been dating lately, and while I’ve been intentionally quiet about it (no premature introductions to my online world this time), I want to share a reflection that grew out of a powerful conversation we had last night. It's the kind of insight that reveals more about ourselves than the person sitting across from us—and it’s reshaping the way I understand giving, receiving, and the subtle difference between connection and compliance.
This man is lovely. Kind, emotionally available, respectful, and deeply tuned into others’ feelings.
He’s also a self-identified people pleaser.
And what I’m learning—both through him and through my own evolving lens as a polyamorous woman with decades of relational experience—is that dating a people pleaser means navigating some surprisingly complex terrain.
Before I share more about the conversation that changed something for me, I want to name this: I’ve learned not to rush into publicly sharing every new dating connection. As a polyamorous person who dates separately from my husband, it’s easy to fall into the pattern of introducing new partners too soon—especially in a culture that often treats every new relationship as something to declare, celebrate, or explain.
But after years of connections that didn’t quite land or evolve, I’ve learned to wait.
To let it breathe.
To protect the intimacy before I share it.
To give it time to become real before making it public.
So while I won’t be introducing him by name just yet, I want to share the breakthrough we had—because it speaks to something bigger than us.
I’ve been studying and exploring The Wheel of Consent, developed by Dr. Betty Martin. If you’re not familiar, it’s a consent-based framework that breaks down interactions into four core roles: Giver, Receiver, Taker, and Allower. It’s an incredibly clarifying model, especially when it comes to touch, emotional support, and sexual dynamics.
Here’s a quick (but important) summary:
A Receiver is someone who asks for what they want—for their own pleasure or benefit.
A Giver is someone who agrees to offer that thing—consciously, consensually, without coercion.
A Taker is someone who acts for their own benefit with someone else’s permission.
An Allower is someone who agrees to let something happen—not for their own pleasure, but because they’re okay with allowing it.
What stood out to me recently—especially in this new dating dynamic—is that a lot of people confuse giving with pleasing. They think they’re Givers, but in reality, they’re reacting to unspoken needs, performing preemptively, trying to stay “good” in the eyes of others. And nowhere is that more prevalent than in the behavior of a people pleaser.
When someone constantly offers without being asked—when they jump in to help, fix, provide, or soothe before you’ve even expressed a need—it can look generous. But underneath, it often carries a quiet, subconscious hope:
Please like me. Please need me. Please choose me.
And that? That’s not giving. That’s bargaining.
This is where our conversation landed last night.
My partner, lovely as he is, has a hard time telling me what he wants. He’s incredibly tuned into my needs and preferences—but when I ask him what brings him joy, what would feel good, what he desires... he often pauses, unsure how to answer.
He wants to please me. But he’s so practiced in anticipating others that he hasn’t developed the muscle of receiving.
We talked openly about this: how often he offers help or support without checking in to see if it’s actually wanted. How he’s been conditioned to interpret someone’s happiness as evidence of his own worth. And how, ironically, his people pleasing can sometimes feel invasive, overwhelming, or emotionally murky—because it bypasses the very thing I value most in relationships: clear consent and conscious choice.
As someone who’s been married for over three decades and has practiced polyamory for the past four years, I’ve had my fair share of experience with complex emotional dynamics. But this is one that continues to humble me: the importance of authentic giving—grounded in mutual desire, not fear of rejection.
In polyamory, where multiple relationships are navigated at once, clarity is everything. We don’t have the luxury of emotional guesswork. Every connection needs its own agreements, its own language, its own boundaries.
If one partner is over-giving to stay “safe,” they risk burning out—or worse, creating a dynamic where their partner feels manipulated into receiving something they didn’t ask for.
And if we’re not teaching our partners how to receive—and how to ask for what they want—we’re missing out on the deeper intimacy that comes from being seen as we are, not just how we show up in service of others.
So here’s what I’m learning, again and again:
True giving begins with listening.
Not just to what someone else wants—but to what you want.
To what you consent to.
To what you feel energized to offer—not what you feel obligated to give.
And if you’re someone (like my current partner) who identifies as a people pleaser, I see you. I know it comes from love. But I also know it can be exhausting. You deserve to ask for what you want—not just offer what you think others want from you.
You deserve to receive, not just give.
And if you’re someone (like me) who’s navigating a relationship with a people pleaser, let me offer this: don’t assume their giving is comfortable. Ask. Invite. Slow down. Get curious. Help them build the muscle of articulating needs—not just anticipating yours.
Because the deepest intimacy isn’t built on unspoken service.
It’s built on mutual truth.
This relationship is still unfolding, and I don’t know where it will lead. But what I do know is that this journey—of exploring consent, emotional honesty, and the difference between pleasing and partnering—is worth sharing.
If we want to move beyond codependence, beyond transactional love, beyond outdated ideas of what “being good” in a relationship looks like—we have to keep asking these questions. We have to keep having these conversations.
Because love, real love, doesn’t ask us to please.
It asks us to show up whole.
